Crossing the Line...

People of the Interwebs. Hello. My name is Nathan Buck. I am the fourth, and usually silent, member of the trace metal team. Unfortunately, I am going to have to break silence here and take over the blog responsibilities from Peter, who has found himself in a spot of trouble. Big, big trouble. You see, Peter is trespassing and for this crime he is going to have to face a most dastardly punishment, which is why he can no longer write for his precious little blog here. Confused? Most of you should be but don't worry, I am about to give you a thorough explanation of Peter's predicament. But in order to give an accurate account, I will have to take a couple steps back and fill you in with some backstory. So if you will indulge me....

Pete and Randy - Pollywogs

Remember when you were in high school and college and you had to take all those English and humanities classes and you learned of the beginnings of Western thought and philosophy? And you read all those crazy stories, or 'Greek mythology' as they liked to call it, of gods and heroes and mortals and god-like men that made absolutely no sense. I'll give you a few examples to refresh your memory in case you have forgotten. Zeus learns of a prophecy that his wife, Metis, would give birth to a god greater and more powerful than him, so to remedy this situation, he simply swallows Metis whole. But Metis, unbeknownst to Zeus, was already pregnant with Athena and busted out of his head still whole and dressed ready for battle. Or Prometheus who stole fire from the gods and gave it to man and was punished by being bound to a rock and having his liver pecked out by an eagle, which would grow back the next day only to be pecked out again by the same damn eagle. Day after day after day.

There are plenty more - Tantalus was made to stand in a pool of water which receded every time he attempted to drink it and below a tree whose fruit he could never quite grasp for eternity for stealing some ambrosia from Zeus's table. Odysseus, during his return to Ithaca, visits the witch-goddess Circe and she feeds his men wine and cheese, which turns them into swine. Poseidon straps Cassiopeia to a chair in the heavens in such a manner that as she circles the celestial pole she is upside down half the time simply for being too beautiful. There are a boat load of these punishment tales - the Greeks seemed to really like them - and I ask you to recall these tragedies for two reasons. First, you shouldn't really anger the gods because they will put a hurt on you and I think we forget that sometimes with our fancy new age living. Second, this is a little taste of what Pete's life is going to be like for the next four or five days.

 

The Roland H. Brown has just crossed the equator and thus entered the realm of Neptune. Peter, nor his father, Randy, have ever crossed this boundary on a boat, and never been initiated into the order of the Shellback, which means one thing - that they are lowly and despicable pollywogs. And Neptune hates pollywogs. And unfortunately, this ship is crawling with them and this has raised Neptune's ire. So much so in fact that early yesterday he sent one of his minions on board to inform us that he has passed judgment on these poor souls and he will be summonsing them to dole out punishments for their crimes sometime later in the week. Thus, Neptune will be boarding the ship in several days to hold court. I happen to have a copy of Peter and Randy's summons which I have posted below. They will be tried and sentenced as father and son. I have had to redact significant portions of the document per order of the King. No land lubber is to know their Wog names, the specificity of the crimes they have committed, or their punishments. This is top secret stuff, people!

Lowly Pollywogs Randy and Peter Morton

 

 

Summons. Having gained entry without due initiation, and thus trespassing with malice into the Royal Dominion of King Neptune, ruler of the Raging Main, and with proof of crimes committed by you against the laws and common practices of the realm, you Randy and Peter shall hence forth bear the names                                        and                                         respectively. Names which you must answer to until such time as you are cleared of your crimes and have been duly initiated into the Royal Order of King Neptune's Honorable Citizens, the Trusty Shellbacks.

 

                                    .  You are hereby found guilty of the following crimes: 

 

Breaking                                                                                    he-man             strength.

 

Using                                                                                 "dagum"                                     .

 

Raising                                                                                                                                                

 

music                                                                  Dream Theater.

 

                                                 You are hereby been found guilty of the following crimes:
 

Polluting                                                                                                                    Dream Theater.

 

Polluting                                                                                                           bowel

 

movements                                                                                                                    exhaust fan.

 

Subjecting                                                  , poor father,

 

                                                                                                                 

 

 

Employing                                                                                                                   leather chaps.

Punishment. As convicts in Neptune's realm you have one choice and that is the choice of no choice. Your punishment for the crimes detailed above are as follows: you must wear at all times                                                                                                      not contaminate his Majesty's ship with your                                                                         .  Additionally,                                                                                                                                         supplies                                                     clean.  For to demonstrate your worthiness to be deemed a Shellback you must                                                                                                                                                  
                                                    His presence.

                                                            These two despicable Wogs will                                                                                         floors and passageways                             
                                                         poop decks.                        deterge                                                sterilize your grundels. They                                                                                                                    
                                                                                       happy ending. And they will do so until their appearance at King Neptune's court. May he have mercy upon their souls.


When King Neptune, who will be accompanied by his wife the Queen and his scribe Davy Jones, does board, he will most likely want to inspect the ship and he will want it clean. So Pete and Randy have a lot of cleaning to do the next several days. The King and his party will then want to be entertained, per usual, so let's hope Peter and Randy have some hidden talents or know how to put on a good skit because they will be the ones doing the entertaining. After entertainment the court proceedings will begin. Of course this is all for show, this trial, Peter and Randy are already guilty. We all know it. But Neptune loves semantics. After being officially proclaimed guilty there are only three more things our lowly Wogs must do to end their misery. They will have to visit the royal surgeon to be cured of their sickness, then the barber to have their hair fixed. Lastly, they must make a trip through the whale's mouth where they will emerge not as wogs, but Trusty Shellbacks and able to roam Neptune's Realm unimpeded.

Note: The ritual of crossing the equator and paying homage to King Neptune is a long one, going back many years into the past.  While in the times of wooden sailing ships, this rite could become a little dangerous, now it is a opportunity for a party enjoyed by most of the scientists and crew. This is a fun optional event on board ship in which most everyone participates. People may join/opt out at any time during the 'trial.'